i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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