Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
