Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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