He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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