You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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