you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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