Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
