Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
