we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
