I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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