why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize