its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
