8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
