I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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