I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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