I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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