I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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