I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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