Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
