I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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