you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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