I'm so fucking centered right now
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
