You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
