You really coming over, don't trick.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
