my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
