I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Ketchup is God's man juice
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
