it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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