I am full of burrito and curiosity
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
