So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
