i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
