I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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