i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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