If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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