Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
