Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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