Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
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