theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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