Betty ford says i'm here all night
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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