I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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