youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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