so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
