my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize