I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
