Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
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