Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
