no, he came in my armpit
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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