Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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