remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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