Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Soap is not a condiment
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Randomize
