What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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