i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
