the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize