My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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