if only i could text you this smell
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize