from now on my penis is your penis
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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