The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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