Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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