At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
