she was so not down for the gang bang
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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