I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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