Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
