If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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