im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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