I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
